


Telling the Truth

by macabre_monkey



Category: The Last Herald Mage, Valdemar Series - Mercedes Lackey
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Canon Gay Character, Canon Gay Relationship, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-21
Updated: 2013-02-21
Packaged: 2017-12-03 04:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/693876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/macabre_monkey/pseuds/macabre_monkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>I've been alone for so long, I don't know how not to be.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Telling the Truth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [typhe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/typhe/gifts).



> Written for [typhe's](http://archiveofourown.org/users/typhe/pseuds/) birthday, and for her prompt asking for alternate ways of Vanyel and Stefen getting together. 
> 
> I apologize for the jerky format; it needed set up, but I so did not want to rewrite that entire chapter when so much of it essentially remains the same.

Stefen tucked his feet underneath him, perching precariously on the stool next to Vanyel’s bed. Vanyel looked rather too much like a corpse; already fair, his skin was death-pale. Stefen timed his breathing to match Vanyel’s, and for the first time he could remember, he prayed. As a child of the streets, he hadn’t had much use for gods, save on festival days when temples distributed the leftovers from the great feasts of the wealthy and highborn. He had seen too much of the darker side of human nature to have much faith in anything but his own wits and will to survive.

 _If he never says he loves me, if he never touches me, I don’t care, as long as he’s alive. If that’s the price, I’ll pay it willingly, just please, please don’t let him die._

***

“So, did you see the same thing I saw?” Moondance asked Starwind and Savil.

“I saw, but could scarcely believe,” Starwind said with a tired chuckle. They both turned to Savil.

“What? If this is more of your damned mysticism—“

“Nay, wingsister, although perhaps we are better suited to see such a thing—“

“ _Out_ with it, whatever it is!”

Moondance and Starwind shared one last glance before returning their focus to her, and Moondance said, “You nephew has lifebonded again. To the singer.”

For a moment the words just rattled in her head, meaningless, until the reality of what Moondance said sank in.

“No,” she said articulately.

The pair shrugged. “Believe what you wish,” Starwind said. “We sensed the bond quite clearly, and more so because the leech-blade was actually draining the singer as well as Vanyel.”

Savil shook her head. “If _anyone_ would be able to know, it would be you two. But…after all these years, why now, and why _Stefen_? He’s a nice enough boy, certainly, but... _Stefen_? Not that I wouldn’t have thought he’d be a good enough match for Van to maybe…ah…have fun with, but _lifebonded_?” It certainly appeared to defy logic. 

“That, we actually have a theory about....”

***

Stef did as he was told and resumed his place by Vanyel’s side, feeling bold enough to hold his hand and occasionally stroke his brow, although not bold enough to actually get in the bed with him, no matter what Moondance said. He didn’t even want to contemplate what Vanyel would do if he woke up with Stefen in bed with him. _He’d be mortified, is what. And then he’d go unreachable again._

It might be his imagination, but Stef thought he could feel Vanyel’s hand getting warmer. He thought he saw Van’s eyelids flutter a few times, but nothing seemed to come of it. So he just kept holding Van’s hand, and hoped that wherever Vanyel was in his mind, he could feel that he wasn’t alone.

***

Vanyel slowly became aware of his surroundings. He could feel his shoulder aching, distantly; that combined with the fact that he couldn’t move it all told him that whatever had happened to him, he’d been bandaged and dosed with paindulling medicine. He was in a bed, and the sound of birds outside told him it was daytime. And for a moment, he thought he must still be asleep and dreaming, because he imagined that Lendel was holding his hand.

Someone _was_ holding his hand. And for just a few seconds after he came to full alertness, he was certain that if he opened his eyes, Tylendel _would_ be sitting at the side of the bed.

“Van? Are you awake?”

Stefen’s voice. He opened his eyes, and saw Stefen leaning over him, concern evident in his face. He felt trapped underneath that earnest, worried gaze. _Why didn’t I ever notice before how beautiful his eyes are?_ he wondered irrelevantly. In the full light of the afternoon sun, Stefen’s hazel eyes fairly glowed with mingled green and gold. 

“Do you need anything? I can get you something to drink, or eat,” Stefen said, still not letting go of his hand.

“No, I, no. I think I shall just…Stef, what hap—“ and suddenly he remembered.

“My mother! Yfandes! The mage—“ he struggled to get up, but Stefen put his other hand on Vanyel’s chest and pushed him back down.

“They’re alright, Van! Treesa and ‘Fandes are alright—your cousin killed the mage. Everything is fine.”

 _For the moment,_ Vanyel thought darkly.

_:I’m here, Van. Sore and exhausted, but otherwise unhurt.:_

With that, he finally settled down, and was chagrined to discover that he was still so weakened that Stef could easily overpower him. 

_:Gods, ‘Fandes, I’m sorry; If I had only been thinking—:_

_:It’s been a long time since either of us was on a battle line. You had no time to prepare, so stop blaming yourself for what_ others _have done, would you?:_

That little bout of exertion left him feeling lightheaded and faintly nauseous, and Stefen carefully gave him a few sips of water.

“Moondance and Starwind said you should stay in bed for at least two days,” Stefen said.

“ _Moondance and Starwind_? They were _here_?”

“Correction, young Vanyel, they _are_ here, and a fortuitous thing, too,” said Starwind, coming into the room, followed by Moondance. “You were ever the most fractious of patients. I could hardly countenance leaving Stefen alone and unprepared to see to your care.”

“Savil Gated to k’Treva, and threatened to drag us across the threshold by the roots of our hair if we would not come help you. Brightstar sends his regards,” Moondance added before Vanyel could ask.

“Oh,” Vanyel replied weakly, then grimaced. _It must have been very, very bad for Savil to Gate to k’Treva, and for me to not even feel when she made the Gate._

“Can you recall what happened?” Starwind asked.

“The last thing I remember was the fight; I remember the mage throwing a knife at my mother, and throwing myself in front of her.” He shook his head. “It was bespelled, wasn’t it?”

“A leech-blade. Very nasty, very powerful, and had it so much as nicked Lady Treesa, it would have drained her long before you or anyone else could have counteracted it. Fortunately, it takes longer to work its full effect on the Mage Gifted. I suspect your bond with Yfandes was beneficial in this regard, as well,” Moondance explained.

“And how is Mother?”

”Lady Treesa had a mild case of magic-induced shock, which Moondance brought her out of, but, ah, she appears to have no few aches and bruises from being thrown to the ground,” Starwind answered. “I was wondering, Bard Stefen, if you would sing to her for a while? She needs soothing.”

“I will stay with our wingbrother, and see that he does nothing foolish and sends himself into a relapse,” Moondance said. Thus assured, Stefen reluctantly left with Starwind.

Vanyel smiled wryly at Moondance and said, “Why is it we only ever seem to meet when I’m bleeding?” 

Moondance returned the smile. “Perhaps because you are young and foolish and insist on flinging yourself headlong into danger?”

“In other words, because I’m a Herald?” he replied. “It’s good to see you again, my friend.”

He held out his hand and Moondance clasped it in both of his, claiming the stool Stefen had been sitting on. 

“I must confess to you, I have something of an ulterior motive.”

Vanyel raised an eyebrow and waited for him to continue.

“I wish to speak to you about Stefen.”

“What about Stefen?” Vanyel replied, caught off guard.

Moondance simply gave him a look that said _you know I know better than that._ Then he sighed. “You are not being honest with him, or yourself.”

Vanyel stared at him blankly for a moment, before realizing he had no chance of getting out of the conversation. He looked away and said, “There are times when honesty does more harm than good.”

“I assure you I am aware of that, and I very much doubt this is one of those times.”

Vanyel sighed. “All right, you want the list of reasons why letting myself get involved with him is a bad idea? Let’s start with what happened today. I’ve been afraid for years that one day the people I love could become targets of my enemies when they realized they couldn’t come at me directly. And now that seems to have finally _happened_. Do you really think Stefen would have been safe if I had given in to him, and it was known we were lovers? _He_ would have been the primary target even before my mother, and as it is, it was only luck that he wasn’t hurt in the crossfire. Besides that, I don’t have the time or energy to spare for Stefen, and the only reason I even get to see Savil and Yfandes as often as I do is because I _work_ with them. You know how difficult it is to keep a relationship stable in the _best_ of times. And lastly—he’s not in love with me. Oh, I have no doubt he _thinks_ he is. But the person he’s in love with is the person those songs are about. Not _me_. It’s just infatuation.”

Moondance shook his head. “As for the first reason, I grant you I have no solution, other than to keep silence about the relationship, and guard him. The second—if you both want it enough, you will _make_ the time for each other.” He raised an eyebrow, mimicking Vanyel’s earlier gesture. “Do you think that Starwind and I laze about the Vale in leisure? And must I remind you that we are also _parents_? As for the third,” he shook his head again. “My friend, you are very mistaken.”

“Oh? You’ve known him for a few hours, and you can say that with certainty?”

“He was part of the meld we created to set your mind back on the path to yourself. Plainly put, _his_ voice was the one that called to you the loudest—and the one you responded to the most. Also, unintentional sharing of thoughts and emotions in such a meld is inevitable, as you should know. I saw what he feels for you.” Left unspoken, _and what you feel for him_. “Stefen is truly and deeply in love with you. _You_ , yourself, not the persona of ballads. And there is more.”

“More?” Vanyel repeated, mind reeling from the sudden revelation. “What else could there possibly be?”

“The two of you are lifebonded. Starwind senses it, too.”

For several moments Vanyel simply couldn’t speak, or even _think_. “That’s—that’s impossible,” he finally managed.

“Is it? And why should it be? To my knowledge, _you_ are the only one who has ever survived the passing of his shay’kreth’ashke, so why, when you have already done one impossible thing, should it be so difficult to believe than another hither-to impossible thing could take place?” Moondance replied, with implacable logic.

Vanyel shook his head, still in denial. “For one thing, I bonded to Yfandes; she’s the only reason I survived. For another…Stefen is…is…”

“Your shay’kreth’ashke,” Moondance added serenely. “Wishing something is not true does not make it so. This thing has happened. Making up reasons why it _should not_ have happened is futile. I will tell you that you should accept this gift, although if I know you at all, you will only do so after much agonizing.” He paused, then rose from the stool. “I have given you much to think about, and you are still suffering the effects of the leech-blade.” He placed his hand on Vanyel’s brow. “Rest.”

***

 _Bedrest be damned. If I stay in this bed much longer I’m going to go mad._ His shoulder was still bothering him, but he could ignore that easily enough. Slowly, he eased out of bed, pausing after every few seconds to take stock of his energy levels. He rather hated the thought of collapsing on the floor and needing to call for help. It would be bad enough if it was just one of the servants, but if it was Stefen, gods, he would rather not give Stefen any more reasons to hover over him. Moondance had apparently charged him with Vanyel’s care, and he was taking it far too seriously for Vanyel’s comfort—and willpower, to be honest. But he made it to the window without incident, to look down at the moon drenched landscape. Vanyel braced his elbows and leaned against the window frame. 

He had long ago gotten over his belief that even being attracted to someone else was a betrayal of Tylendel. He’d had his share of lovers over the years, some nearer to his heart than others, but he could truthfully say he hadn’t been in love with a single one of them. The strongest bond he had with anyone other than Yfandes was friendship.

Until now. And if he had been confused before— _Oh, Lendel, Lendel. I thought you were the love of my life. But now—_ he took a steadying breath, finally ready to admit the truth to himself. _I’m in love with Stefen, and I love him as much as I love you. I_ want _him as much as I ever wanted you. And it isn’t right, it isn’t fair, to you_ or _him. I can’t be what he expects me to be. I can’t be the attentive partner he needs and deserves. And…and how do I even know he can give me what_ I _need…whatever that is. And even if Moondance is right, and he probably is, and what Stefen feels is really_ love _and not hero-worship, that doesn’t change the fact that he’s barely older than my own children. It wouldn’t be—honorable._

 _Yes,_ a quiet part of his mind added, _Starwind is a depraved monster for taking Moondance as his lover when Moondance was_ sixteen _and he twenty-nine._

 _That’s different,_ he protested.

_Is it?_

_Yes, damnit. What happened today proves that. If whoever sent that mage knew I was lifebonded again, nothing would keep Stef safe._

A soft tap on the door shook him out of his reverie. He knew it was Stef, as if his thoughts had summoned him—well, and maybe they had. He remembered the times he had just _known_ when Tylendel needed him, after Staven’s death. He contemplated for half a second just ignoring Stefen, or telling him to leave him alone, but Stef didn’t wait for an answer before coming in.

“You should still be in bed,” he said, with accusation.

Vanyel snorted. “I’ve been in bed all day.”

“It’s on your head if Moondance finds out,” he said.

He felt rather than heard Stefen’s quiet approach; Stefen put his hand on Vanyel’s uninjured shoulder. “How do you—I mean, are you alright?” Stefen asked, hesitantly.

Vanyel took a deep breath. _My mother was almost assassinated today; I was injured and almost killed instead;_ you _could have been killed…and Moondance has told me that you and I are lifebonded, as if my life wasn’t complicated enough. Yes, on the whole everything is fine._

“Nevermind, that was a stupid question. Van, get back in the bed, please. I can feel you trembling.”

 _That’s not from weakness,_ he admitted to himself. It should be getting easier to keep his feelings in check, but the more he was alone with Stefen, the closer he felt to giving in. _Which is what he wants. And I can’t. Does he know how close he pushes me to the edge?_ For a moment he wondered if Moondance had told him about the lifebond, but no, he didn’t think Moondance would do that, at least not yet. Not when Stef was the one who wanted the relationship, and Van the one resisting.

He let himself be led back to bed, and even tucked in. “Your father said that the weather is going to get cold tonight,” Stef said as he brought the heavy coverlet up.

“Father’s always had an uncanny knack for knowing what the weather was going to be like,” Van said. “Not in a Gifted way, exactly. But he’s almost never wrong.” 

They lapsed into silence while Stef finished arranging the blankets. When he straightened up to leave, he paused, looking like he wanted to say something.

“Van,” he said, almost a whisper. “Do you—nevermind.”

“No,” Vanyel found himself saying, wanting Stefen to go away, but desperate for him to stay, too. “No, Stef, you can ask me anything, you know that.” 

Visibly steeling himself, he began again. “Do you,” his voice broke, and he looked down at his hands. “Do you care about me at all, even a little?”

He answered automatically. “You’re my friend, of course—“

“You know what I mean,” Stefen interrupted. Vanyel quieted.

“Because—because if you don’t, if you _really_ , honestly don’t feel anything deeper than friendship for me, then I’ll stop pushing. I’ll, well, I won’t be _happy_ to just be your friend, but if that’s all you can offer me, then I’ll take that. I don’t want to ruin it or make you hate me by demanding more than you can give.”

Oh, gods. Here he was offering to do the very thing Vanyel had been wanting him to do, and he felt like whatever was left of his heart was going to pull itself apart. _Yes. No. Yes, I care for you, I_ love _you, but I can’t, oh gods I_ can’t _knowingly put you in more danger, and that’s all I can offer you._

“I—I don’t—“

“Look me in the eyes and tell me,” Stefen interrupted him again, looking up from his hands, suddenly fierce. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t love me. Tell me to go away, forever, and I will if you’re telling the truth.”

Vanyel turned his head away. He couldn’t lie, but he couldn’t admit the truth, either.

“It’s not that simple,” he managed to choke out from around the lump in his throat.

“Well, why isn’t it?” Stefen cried out in exasperation. 

Vanyel turned to look at him in disbelief. “You just _saw_ what can happen to people I care for. If I had gotten to the orchard just a few seconds later, my mother would be _dead_. It was pure chance that no one was killed today. If you’re with me, you’re in danger.”

“I don’t suppose it ever occurred to you that the fact that without me, Valdemar is functionally without a king, has _already_ placed me in danger from Valdemar’s enemies, without any help from you? And don’t say it’s different, because it’s _not_.”

Since that was exactly what Vanyel had been about to say, he clamped his jaw and turned his head away again.

“So what else is there?”

Silence while Vanyel fought to keep the words inside, words that until this moment he wouldn’t have been able to articulate anyway. It was no use; now that they were in his head, coherent, he couldn’t stop himself from saying them. “I’ve been alone for so many years, I don’t know how not to be.” He took a ragged breath and continued. “I’m too old and too bitter. You deserve someone _better_ ; you’re young and beautiful and innocent in ways that I can’t ever be.” 

_I’ve killed more people than you’ve ever known. I’m afraid if I touch you, I’ll leave bloodstains._

Stefen said nothing for a few seconds. Vanyel wouldn’t, _couldn’t_ turn to face him. 

“ _Innocent_?” Stef said, finally. “Just what the hell gave you the impression that I was _innocent_? You think you’re the only one who’s ever seen or done terrible things?” He choked up for a second. “I know you were in the war, and I can’t even imagine what it was like. I know it must have been awful. But I _can_ tell you that living on the street, being raised by a _drug addict_ was far from idyllic. How exactly can you expect me to have any innocence left when I had to beg for or _steal_ everything I needed for as long as I can remember? When I lived with the constant fear of being kidnapped by slavers, like so many other unwanted children? When I was always afraid that one day my so-called “protector” would sell me to a pimp for drug money? Do you have any idea how many times I saw men fucking whores in alleys? Do you know how many dead bodies I saw left in gutters, or washed up on the riverbank?” He was crying now, and trembling with anger and grief and resentment. “I learned _fast_ that the world isn’t fair. No one gives a fuck about you if you don’t have money or power. So don’t you dare lay there and tell me I’m too _innocent_ and you’re too jaded, because that is _horseshit_.”

“Stef,” Van pushed himself up. “Stef—“ _Oh gods I am such a fool._ “Come here.” There was no way he could ignore the pain he felt coming from Stefen, or deny him comfort. 

“Don’t,” he said, holding back a sob. “Not unless you really mean it.”

Van closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he opened them again, the hope and longing on Stefen’s face tore at his heart. “I mean it. Stef, I—“ He hovered on the brink, impossible to turn back now. “I love you. I guess I have for a long time.” Treacherous words; dangerous words that he could never take back. 

Stefen got in the bed, wrapped both arms around Vanyel’s waist, held on to him like he never planned to let go, and buried his face in Van’s uninjured shoulder, whispering a litany of _I love you_ and _never let me go_. Vanyel just held him and felt like he was on the verge of falling apart, himself. It had been so long, so many years since he’d held someone like this, and even longer since he’d been told _I love you_ with the depth of sincerity that Stefen whispered it. 

When they had both calmed down a bit, Vanyel said to him, “I’m sorry, Stefen. I was afraid—to let myself care too much....”

“You’ve been hurt. I understand.”

“You do, don’t you?” Van said in wonder. All these months Stef had been constantly surprising him. Why hadn’t he realized before now that Stef was, in so many ways, far wiser than his years? 

“Stef,” he whispered, ignoring the twinge in his shoulder as he brought his other hand up to wipe the tears from Stefen’s face. “I’m not sure if I can be what you need me to be. I’ll try—“

“Van,” Stef interrupted, fond exasperation in his voice. “I don’t need you to be anything. I just need you to be _you_.” He poked Van in the chest. “The same you you’ve always been. Who exactly do you think I fell in love with?”

With a shock he remembered the revelation he’d had years ago. _Everyone wants something from me. Everyone needs me to be the hero of the ballads._ And he suddenly, clearly remembered again all the times he and Stef had spent together, how those were the only times he was ever able to truly relax— _because I don’t have to_ be _anything for him._

“You’re ridiculous,” Stef said, fondly. Shyly, then, “Van? Can I stay here tonight?”

“Of course. I was hoping you would.” He took another deep breath, knowing that if this had any chance of working, they had to work some things out _now_. “It’s still not going to be easy,” Vanyel warned. “We both still have our obligations to Randale and our circles.”

“Van, if it was easy, everyone would be lifebonded. But it will be worth it.”

“You know?” Van asked, surprised.

“I’d…suspected, for a while. There have been so many times that I knew things about you, what you were feeling or thinking, without you ever saying, and we both know I’m not a thought-senser. And then you would say it without me even having to ask, and confirm what I knew. I never talked to anyone about it, because, well. Everyone who falls in love for the first time thinks it’s a lifebond, and I figured no one would take me seriously. But I talked with Moondance after you went back to sleep, and he told me.”

He felt an icy jolt of dread at the words _in love for the first time._ Oh gods, he knew was Stef was young, but he hadn’t thought Stef could be _that_ inexperienced.

“What?” Stefen said in alarm, pulling away just enough to look Vanyel in the face. “What’s wrong?” His eyes narrowed. “And don’t say it’s nothing. You just felt like a snake crawled across your shadow.”

Vanyel took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “You’ve really never been in love before?” 

“Is _that_ it?”

“Gods.” He would have buried his face in hand if his shoulder would have allowed it. “Yes. I…I’ve never been with someone so, ah, inexperienced before.”

“Inexperienced.” Stefen’s eyes narrowed. “I’ll grant you that, however I _am_ aware that being in love isn’t always the perfect vision of happiness like the ballads say. But actually loving someone—I thought you just _did_ it.” 

Van paused delicately. “I’m not sure we’re talking about the same thing.”

“You mean we’re not talking about love?”

“Ah, I was thinking more along the lines of, ah, the…physical.” Gods, but it was a good thing it was dark. He hadn’t blushed like this since he was a boy.

“You mean you were talking about _sex_?” And Stef started _laughing_.

“What?” Vanyel asked, indignant. “What’s so funny?”

“Please tell me you didn’t think I was a _virgin_ ,” Stef wheezed. “Oh gods. And _I_ am supposed to be the innocent one here?” 

“Well....” _I am never going to live this down, am I?_

“I’m not, I assure you; I have been thoroughly corrupted in every way possible.”

“Well, that’s a relief,” he said with a touch of sarcasm. Then something occurred to him. “When you say _thoroughly_ corrupted....”

“I probably mean whatever you think I mean.” Stef smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry for laughing at you, but…really, Van.”

“I am beginning to realize,” Van said slowly. “That I never actually stood a chance against you.”

“Damn right,” Stefen agreed. “And if you think you can have a crisis in the morning and change your mind, forget it. You’re never getting rid of me.”

“I doubt I could pry you off with a crowbar,” Vanyel said with a chuckle.

Stef made a little humming sound that Van took to be agreement, and yawned. Lifting the covers, Stef snuggled in beneath them, and quickly fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> (I posted a few scenes that didn't make the final cut over [here](http://last-herald-mage.dreamwidth.org/11018.html))


End file.
